婚前预备 ▎你在寻找完美的配偶吗？【附英文版】

编者按

人人都渴望找到属于自己的完美配偶，甚至包括基督徒。但是，在罪人中，你真的可以找到完美的配偶吗？

长期孤独之感恐怕是很少与之匹敌之痛了。那种经历会促使单身人士沉溺于发现和保持完美配偶，有时甚至驱使人们结束当前完全健康的关系，只因他们担心某处或许有更完美的选择。

无论如何，即使那些享受最悠然婚姻的人们也有苦苦寻求绝对完美配偶的渴望。

这种渴望是可以理解的，生命中很少有像婚姻这样担负盟约之重的决定（以弗所书5：22-33）。如果做好了，你的婚姻将会深深影响你有生之年的所有决定，有时收获的满足无与伦比，有时做出的牺牲撕心裂肺。对大多数人而言，要做出如此长久和改变生命的决定，这是从未有过的经验，所以他们尽己所能以期做出正确的决定。

但是有的时候，我们越过了仅仅保守己心的界限，而试图挑战全能的、可信赖上帝的主权。伊甸园中的一点诱惑可以渗透我们整个的生命（创世纪3：1-7）。上帝的计划够用吗？他真的知道自己在做什么吗？没有我的参与，他真的可以独立完成吗？

当我们可以更清楚地意识到自己的动机时，我们可以更迅速地将它带到恩惠宝座前。我们的心常常禁不住停留在这件事上，因为它如此重大，但是在恩惠上帝的仁爱、智慧和能力之中，我们的心可以寻得真正的安息。

评估你的期望值

动机和期望是不同的两件事情。如果你问大多数人，他们会确定地说没有完美配偶这回事。然而我敢断言，他们中大多数人在配偶选择上也可能会相信“适合我的完美配偶”的理论。也就是说，在此星球，在某地方，有某个完美的人，一旦遇到，他们两个人会完美幸福地结合在一起。他们的兴趣、优点和缺点会在完美的亲密关系中完全融合。

请从这种期望中清醒过来吧。世界上不会有个完美的人在等着你。找到一个潜在的配偶，只是显明给自己一个罪人——因为我们都是罪人。没有罪的匹配或结合会产生一个完美的祝福，因为罪不是这样运行的。罪是自私、欺骗、权力狂。婚姻要求我们牺牲、诚实、乐于服事。你的配偶也许可以补充你，但他（她）却永远不会使你完全，那是基督的工作。

当我对进行婚前咨询的配偶进行评估时，我关注三个方面：品格、化学反应和相容度。

【1】品格

品格衡量两个人对待同样事情的价值观。配偶们要有长期的健康的关系，他们必须建立信任。正如我的朋友、之前的教授Dr. Jim Hurley所说：“对一个人的信任来自于这个人反复的可信任的行动。”因此，我问，对于以可信任的方式来行动这句话的涵义，配偶双方的认识是否一致？

不要误解我，我们当然知道在任何关系中都会有意见的分歧，有时甚至是优先次序的差异——但是这关乎基本的承诺和世界观。这也是为什么保罗警示我们“不能同负一轭”的情况，因为两个人如果对于是非对错不能达成一致，他们很难使这份关系经营下去。做为基督徒，我们应该优胜于此。我们的道德不是来自于我们的直觉，乃是建立在上帝不容置疑的话语之上。我们有不可摇动的根基，清楚地告诉我们什么是可接受的基督徒行为，什么则不是可接受的。（罗马书13：8-10）

【2】化学反应

化学反应衡量两个人是否真的被彼此吸引。在咨询中常常有制约因素；我反复听到的问题之一是配偶一方对另一方不再有吸引力。原因有很多，人们常常试图反抗关系在于外貌和性的吸引的社会趋向，这使得他们落入完全相反的另一面，即外表和性对于关系毫不相干，这其实是一个谎言。

化学反应不仅仅是身体的吸引，也包括情感的吸引。两个人在一起时是否舒适自在？他们是否常常一起开怀大笑？他们是否渴望见到对方？迷恋产生于化学反应，迷恋减退时化学反应依然存在。

如果没有化学反应，人们会觉得自己只是在和室友分享生活，而不是配偶。关于化学反应的一个好消息是，它可以随着时间的积累而慢慢培养。吸引力确实能够增长，随着时间推移，吸引力可以从星星之火发展成燎原之势。

【3】相容度

相容度衡量两个人是否可以同工。即使两个人性格和化学反应指数较高，但若他们不能很好地配搭，那么他们的道路会长且难。配偶之间往往被彼此相对的优势所吸引，正如格言所说：异性相吸。

挥霍者与节俭者结婚，内向的人与外向的人结婚，黑白思维的人与灰色思维的人结婚…...这样的例子数不胜数。我关注的是配偶双方对于差异是适应还是反抗。对于性格我关注的是合一，对于相容度我关注的是多样化。多样化可以是一种不可思议的优点，前提是配偶们要克服自己的缺点，欣赏彼此的优点。

在走向婚礼殿堂之前，我们应该用心，确保彼此是合适的配偶。我们要明白自己的动机，并建立基于圣经的标准和期望，还要进行仔细的分辨。然而记住，我们的盼望不在于找到完美的配偶，而是在于依靠完美的救主。使我完全的不是我的婚姻，唯有基督。

附：英文原文

The Perfect Spouse Will Not Complete You

There are few pains like the long ache of loneliness. That experience can motivate singles to obsessover finding and keeping the perfect spouse. Sometimes it even drives people toend perfectly healthy relationships for fear that there is a more perfectchoice somewhere.

Regardless, even themost laid back of the matrimonially available crowd must wrestle with thedesire to find the absolutely perfect spouse.

The desire is understandable. There are fewdecisions in life that carry the weight of a covenantal commitment (Ephesians5:22–33). If done correctly, your marriage will be a dominant influence on yourdecisions for the duration of its life — sometimes giving unsurpassedsatisfaction and other times requiring gut-wrenching sacrifice. For mostpeople, they have never come close to making such a long-term and life-alteringdecision before, and therefore they want to be as diligent as possible aboutmaking the right decision.

But sometimes we cross the boundary frommerely trying to be a good shepherd of our hearts to actively trying to wrestcontrol from the almighty and trustworthy God. A little bit of the gardentemptation can play out in our own lives(Genesis3:1–7), Is God’s plan really sufficient? Does he really know what he’sdoing? Can he really accomplish it without me?

Once we understandour motivations more clearly, we can bring them to the throne of grace moreswiftly. Our hearts cannot help but be restless on this subject because itcarries such weighty implications, yet our hearts can find genuine rest in thelove, wisdom, and might of a gracious God .

Assess YourExpectations

Motivations are one thing, expectations are another. If you asked most people, they would affirmthat there is no such thing as a perfect spouse. However, I’m betting that most of those same people would probably also affirm the “perfect-for-me” theory of spousal selection. That is the idea that there is some perfect person somewhere on theplanet, and if they could just find them, the two would be perfectly happy together. Their interests, strengths, and shortcomings would all blend inperfect relational harmony.

Let us disabuse ourselves of that expectation. There is no perfect person on this earth waiting for you. Find me a potential spouse, and I’ll show you a sinner — because weare all sinners. And there is no matching or mixing of sins that leads toperfect blessedness, because that’s not what sin does. Sin is selfish,deceitful, and power-hungry. Marriages require us to be sacrificing, honest,and willing to serve. Your spouse may complement you, but he (or she) will never complete you. That’s the job of Christ.

When I’m evaluating couples in premarital counseling, I’m looking for three components: character,chemistry, and compatibility.

1. Character 

Character is the domain that lets me know that two people value the same things. In order to be able to have a long-term healthy relationship the couple must be able to build up trust. As my friend and former professor Dr. Jim Hurley would say, “trust comes from repeated acts of trust worthiness.” Consequently, I ask, do both partners have the same idea of what it means to behave in trustworthy ways?

Don’t get me wrong,there is certainly room for differences of opinion in every relationship, even differences of priority — but this is about fundamental commitments and worldview. This is why Paul warns against being “unequally yoked” because it is so difficult to make a relationship work when we cannot agree what is right or wrong. As Christians, we should excel here. Our morality is not built upon our instincts but upon the unassailable word of God. We have an unshakeable foundation that clearly marks what is acceptable Christian behavior and what isnot (Romans13:8–10).

2. Chemistry 

Chemistry is the domain that lets me know that two people are really attracted to each other.There are common refrains in counseling; problems that I hear again and again.One of them is when one spouse is not attracted to the other. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but the most common I’ve found is that people havetried to fight against the trend in society that relationships are almost exclusively about looks and lust, so they have fallen for the opposite lie,that looks don’t matter at all.

Chemistry is not just physical attraction — it’s also emotional attraction. Are these two people at ease with one another? Do they laugh together? Do they seem to look forward toseeing each other? Genuine chemistry is the platform upon which infatuation springs, and it should remain once infatuation has begun to subside.

Without chemistry,people often find themselves sharing their life with a roommate, not a spouse.The good thing about chemistry is that it can be cultivated over time.Attraction can and does grow; it can go from smoldering ash to open fire over time. 

3. Compatibility 

Compatibility is the domain that lets me know that two people are able to work well as a team.Character and chemistry can both be high, but if a couple doesn’t work well together as a team, the road will be long and tough. Couples are often drawn to one another based on opposite strengths. The old adage is true, “opposites attract.”

Spenders marry savers, introverts marry extroverts, black-and-white thinkers marry gray-scale thinkers; the list is nearly endless. What I’m looking for is whether or not the couple leans into these differences or fights against them. Whereas with character I’m looking for unity, with compatibility  I’m looking for diversity. Diversity can be an incredible area of strength, but only if the couple has the wherewithal to appreciate each other’s competence while working on our own incompetence.

We should be diligent about making sure we are well-coupled before heading down the wedding aisle. We should understand our motivations, we should set biblically-informed standards and expectations, and we should use careful discernment. But our hope is not in finding the perfect spouse but in resting in the perfect Savior. It is not my marriage that will complete me, but Christ.

注：中文题目为编者加

作者简介

Josh Sqiries 拥有咨询和神学双学位。他目前在南卡罗莱纳州哥伦比亚第一长老会教堂担任牧师，从事咨询和会众关爱工作。

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